The Tightrope Walk:Co-Parenting with Your Abuser

Co-parenting is hard.

Full stop. Add in the complexities of past abuse, and it feels less like a tightrope walk and more like trying to cross a chasm on a frayed shoelace, blindfolded. It's a daily, sometimes hourly, exercise in survival.

You probably never imagined you'd be here. Sharing custody, exchanging pleasantries (or, at least, attempting to), and navigating the minefield of communication with the person who once caused you so much pain. And I guess that’s even best case scenario, considering the majority of times your ex just uses the kids as a way to hurt you. Whether it is telling them horrible things about you, making communication impossible, setting unattainable expectations for you, and even threatening you with taking them away from you. But here you are, and here are your kids, caught in the middle.

The hardest part? Protecting them.

Protecting them from the residual effects of the abuse, from witnessing the tension that still crackles between you both, trying to protect your connection with them, preserving the safety in your relationship with each other, and from the potential for new wounds. It's a constant battle to shield them while also trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

There are days when the anxiety is overwhelming. When every text message, every phone call, every drop-off and pick-up feels like a trigger. You replay past arguments, anticipate future conflicts, and struggle to keep your composure when your ex pretends to be this wonderful human in from of all the other people in your life including other parents at school. You worry constantly about what is happening when your children are away from you, and what they are exposed to with your ex, because you know “they have a temper” and you know “how they are”.

Then there are the days when you find a sliver of peace. When the kids are laughing, when you manage a civil conversation, when you see them thriving despite the circumstances. Those are the days you cling to, the days that remind you why I'm doing this.

Here are some of the realities you may face:

• The need for strict boundaries: Communication is limited to essential information about the children. Anything else could be a recipe for disaster. Also, restraining orders CAN be tailored to including managing communication about shared custody and children.

• The constant hypervigilance: you may always be on guard, watching for signs that the abuse is affecting your children, or that old patterns are resurfacing.

• The emotional toll: Co-parenting with an abuser is emotionally exhausting. There's no way around it. Self-care is not a luxury; it's a necessity. And unfortunately, this whole thing is going to last a while…

• The legal battles: Often, even after leaving, legal battles can continue. Custody agreements, restraining orders, and other legal matters can become a source of continued stress and conflict.

• The feeling of helplessness: Sometimes, despite my best efforts, I feel powerless to protect my children from the influence of their other parent.

• What if the children are little? Not only you will have to manage the stress of being a new parent, but also do it without the support of a partner who is caring, loving, respectful and gentle. You’re not alone in feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, in fact, expert mom therapist Erin Randol talks about what you may be going through by JUST adding a new little to your family… The ups and downs of this loving bundle of joy and stress…

What you may need to keep in mind:

• Documentation is key: Keep records of everything. Every text, every email, every incident. It can be invaluable if legal action is necessary; or just to even protect yourself.

• Find your support system: Connect with your family and chosen family, other survivors, therapists, or support groups. You're not alone in this and I would be honored to support you.

• Prioritize your children's well-being without forgetting YOUR OWN: I know that as parents, we typically think that we have to always put children first; and don’t get me wrong, if we don’t do it, then who will? But YOU MATTER too. Your safety, your wellbeing, your needs. Typically, by taking care of ourselves, we also are modeling that to them. And sometimes the approach to co-parenting may need adjustment to incorporate your needs too.

• Focus on what you can control: you can't control my ex's behavior, but you can control how I respond to it and the safeguards that you set up. When a partner or ex crosses your boundaries, that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with those boundaries; and consequences are important in communicating how they need to respect them too.

• Healing is ongoing: It's not a linear process. There will be setbacks, and there will also be progress. I like to think about it as a parking ramp… depending on how you look at it, you may see someone just going around in circles over and over; or you may see someone actually going up the different levels. Healing may feel at times like you’re going in circles, when you may actually be revisiting things that still need adjustment and processing. YOU ARE HEALING!

This is a journey you probably never wanted to take. But it's your journey, and you deserve to feel empowered and confident in the decisions that you make for yourself and for your children.

Are you ready to break free from the grip of your past relationships?

I understand the courage it takes to heal from trauma and go through the journey of discovering your pathway to healing. Don't let the impact of narcissistic abuse hold you back any longer. I'm here to support you in reclaiming your life and finding inner peace. I'm passionate about helping individuals find their strength and resilience by offering a safe space to heal that is tailored to your needs.

Let's connect and discuss how I can help you begin that journey to recovery.

You got this and I got you!