Picking Up the Pieces: When "Love" Leaves You Hurting

Let's be real, breakups suck.

They're messy, they're painful, and they leave you feeling like a half-eaten sandwich someone left in the rain.

But breaking up with an abusive partner? That's a whole different level of complicated. It's not just heartbreak; it's untangling yourself from a web of manipulation, fear, and shattered self-worth.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this.

Leaving wasn't a dramatic, cinematic moment of empowerment. It was a slow, agonizing crawl out of a pit you didn't even realize you were in until it probably felt like it was too late. It was a series of small, shaky steps, each one fueled by a desperate whisper inside that said, “is love really this painful?”, “is it always this hard?”, “am I the problem?”, “will anyone else ever love me?”, and then it transitioned into "I deserve better and it doesn’t have to be this hard”.

For so long, "better" felt like a distant, impossible dream. You had convinced yourself that the yelling, the put-downs, the controlling behavior were just… quirks, expressions of love, a one-time thing, or even just a consequence of “their past” and you could “heal them”. Maybe you thought you were the problem, too sensitive, too demanding, not understanding enough, or just not good enough. That if you just tried harder, loved more, understood better, things would change.

Spoiler alert: they didn't.

Abuse isn't always physical. It's the subtle digs that chip away at your confidence, the isolation that cuts you off from your support system, the gaslighting that makes you question your own sanity. It's the constant feeling of walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next explosion will come or not even what caused it, but what you do to cause it. Even when you actually didn’t truly caused it!

And then, one day, something shifted.

Maybe it was a friend's concerned look, maybe it was a news story that hit too close to home, or maybe it was just a moment of clarity in the midst of the chaos. Whatever it was, you saw the truth. You saw the patterns that others have been talking about, telling you about. Maybe you saw the person you were becoming, and you didn't recognize yourself anymore.

Ending it was terrifying.

You were scared of being alone, scared of “what now?”, scared of what people would think, scared of them doing the things they have told you they would do to hurt you. But it got to the point where what you were scared of the most was actually staying and continuing to live this life of hurt, fear, sadness, and loneliness, all while trying to make someone else see that YOU are good enough and that YOU are doing your best. Even if they have always refused to see it…

The aftermath?

It won’t be pretty. There will be days filled with crippling anxiety, flashbacks that feel like punches to the gut, and the constant urge to second-guess yourself. There will be moments where you will miss this person, or the way they make you feel when they apologized, or the familiar chaos, or the being with someone even if being with person makes you feel even lonelier at times, or the twisted version of "love" you have become accustomed to.

But there will also be moments of unexpected joy, of healing, of empowerment, of feeling worthy.

The feeling of breathing freely, of making your own decisions, of rediscovering the person you feel like you have lost. You will also start reconnecting with friends and family, pursuing the hobbies that you abandoned, and learning to trust your own instincts again. You will also experience moments where you feel like, holy smokes, YOU are breaking the cycles and there’s hope.

Here's what I want you to know if you're in a similar situation:

• You're not alone. Abuse thrives in isolation. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a support hotline. There are people who care and want to help, including me!

• It's not your fault. You didn't cause the abuse, and you can't fix it. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

• Your safety is paramount. Create a safety plan, even if you're not ready to leave yet. Know where you can go and who you can call in an emergency. Prioritize your safety.

  LEAVING IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE MOST UNSAFE TIMES FOR SOMEONE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!

• Healing isn’t a finish line. Be patient and kind with yourself. There will be good days and bad days. Allow yourself to grieve, to feel, and to heal at your own pace.

• You deserve healthy love. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and compassion. You deserve to feel safe in your relationship, and IT CAN HAPPEN.

• Take care of yourself. As you go through the grief of the end of this relationship, the shattered dreams and hopes, the loneliness, the sadness, and the blaming yourself for not leaving sooner even when you know you did it when you could, here’s a resource that expert break-up therapist Nicole Braswell from Just Therapy put together on how to cope with this loss. She also talks about why therapy is important during this time.

Breaking up with an abusive partner is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But it's also one of the bravest. It's choosing yourself, choosing your happiness, and choosing a future free from fear.

It’s not a straight line to recovery. There are setbacks and stumbles. But with each step, you’re reclaiming your life, piece by piece. And you don’t have to do it alone.

Are you ready to break free from the grip of your past relationships?

I understand the courage it takes to heal from trauma and go through the journey of discovering your pathway to healing. Don't let the impact of the abuse hold you back any longer. I'm here to support you in reclaiming your life and finding inner peace.

I'm passionate about helping individuals find their strength and resilience by offering a safe space to heal that is tailored to your needs.

Let's connect and discuss how I can help you begin that journey to recovery.

You got this and I got you!