The Importance of Self-Compassion in Online Therapy for Survivors of Interpersonal Violence
Surviving interpersonal violence changes you. It can leave scars that are invisible to others and sometimes even to yourself, but they are also impossible to ignore. The way you speak to yourself, the way you view your worth, the way you trust—everything shifts. And if you're like many survivors, you may be incredibly hard on yourself in ways you wouldn’t be to anyone else. We are our harshest critics; and this is where self-compassion becomes not just helpful but essential for healing. Remembering that you are doing your best at all times; and that as every human, we are all imperfect. Striving for perfection only leads to feeling ashamed of ourselves and fostering disconnection.
Why Is Self-Compassion So Hard?
For many survivors, self-compassion feels foreign. Maybe you’ve internalized blame. Maybe you’ve been conditioned to believe that being kind to yourself is indulgent or weak. BIPOC survivors, in particular, often navigate additional layers of cultural and systemic pressures that reinforce the need to be “strong” rather than vulnerable. These layers of oppression also impact the way in which survivors feel about themselves. If we have a society always reinforcing narratives around not being good enough, survivors will have to expend more energy to challenge these messages, energy that sometimes survivors don’t even have.
But here’s the truth: Healing isn’t about being strong all the time. It’s about being human. It’s about allowing yourself to acknowledge pain without judgment. It’s about meeting yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend, a child, or even a pet. In fact, there are some great exercises focused on reducing our resistance around experiencing compassion by connecting with it through our relationship with our pets. Also, here you can learn more about this through the exampled proposed on blog post by Jenn Bovee Speak to Yourself like you Speak to your Dog: A Lesson in Self-Compassion.
How Self-Compassion Heals Trauma
Self-compassion isn't just a feel-good practice; it’s a necessity for trauma recovery. Research shows that self-compassion helps reduce PTSD symptoms, lowers shame, and increases resilience. When survivors engage in self-criticism, the nervous system remains in a state of hyperarousal or shutdown—making it even harder to heal.
Therapies like EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) help process traumatic memories, but integrating self-compassion into the healing process allows survivors to reframe those memories with care rather than shame. It shifts the focus from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What happened to me, and how can I care for myself through this?”
I have also loved incorporating IFS (Internal Family Systems) into our online therapy setting as a wonderful tool to foster self-compassion and to allow themselves to practice compassionate self-talk by recognizing the parts of themselves that are holding onto pain. Additionally, noticing that every part of us has good intentions even when some act in ways that cause us harm allow for us to take a step back and recognize the reasoning behind the actions.
Practical Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
If self-compassion feels foreign, you’re not alone. Here are a few ways to begin:
Notice Your Self-Talk – Pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Would you say the same words to a friend, a child, a pet? If not, try to soften your internal dialogue. Remember how you would potty train a puppy, you do it through repetition, patience, and kindness.
Ground Yourself in the Present – Trauma pulls you into the past. Practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, or grounding exercises can gently bring you back to the present moment with kindness.
Seek Support in Safe Spaces – Healing doesn’t have to be a solo journey. In fact, empathy and connection expedite healing and are counter-narrative for folks who have experienced interpersonal violence. Also, working with a BIPOC therapist or a professional who understands your unique cultural experiences can help you explore self-compassion in a way that feels authentic to you.
Try Online Therapy – If in-person therapy feels overwhelming, online therapy offers accessibility and comfort. You can begin exploring self-compassion from the safety of your own space including experiencing the companionship of your own pets through this process.
Give Yourself Permission to Rest – You don’t have to “earn” self-care. Resting, setting boundaries, and saying no are acts of self-compassion.
You Deserve Kindness—Especially from Yourself
If no one has told you this today: You are enough. Your healing is valid. And you deserve the same kindness and compassion that you so freely give to others. Self-compassion isn’t about excusing what happened to you—it’s about acknowledging your pain with gentleness, so you can move forward without carrying unnecessary shame.
Healing is possible. And it starts with how you choose to treat yourself today.
If you're ready to embark on a journey of healing and personal transformation, I encourage you to reach out. I am passionate about trauma-informed care in all spaces as well as creating safety so you can process your experiences at your own pace. Please contact me to schedule a consultation and learn more about how online trauma therapy can help you achieve your goals.
I am dedicated to helping you create a life filled with greater joy, fulfillment, and resilience. Let's work together to start your healing journey.
